It has been couple of weeks since I came to actualization that life isn’t fair (maybe I was too naive). I know it seems too cliche because you have heard this so many times before, however there comes a moment when it strikes you – not because people told you but when you have faced the reality.
Like I said in an earlier post, you need to draw the line at some point – which clearly divides what you can, want and what you really need. Obviously it’s not as easy as merely saying it. In the last fews weeks, there have been few disagreements with some of the people I really hold close to my heart – what hurts more is the part that I let them down, led to this confusion (when I really didn’t mean to) and then reacted in stupid/childish ways. Some might say, it’s the way of life, people come around if they are meant to, give them time and things would be alright and so on. But that just eats me up owing to the fact that it was all my undoing, and I should have done better.
Let me rewind it a little so that there is a bit more of perspective to what I am referring to. A month or two back I had stumbled upon something which really enlightened me on the way that I looked at myself, others, my interaction with people, and how they perceived my behaviour (I will come back to this specific topic in a while). This came around the time when things weren’t really going well and I was at a loss of a reason to figure out the ‘why’ of it all (I think that might be worth a different post). This is when I tried out the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test and the outcome was INFJ, sometimes referred to as Counselors who are apparently the rarest type, making up only 1% or less of the population.
We are extremely private, very observant, little bit creative, highly sensitive and sometimes downright obsessive. I believe the first few aspects are usually visible to all whenever they come across any person with such traits but what really makes or breaks us (INFJs) is the sensitivity. We feel the emotions in the most surreal of manners – not only our own, but also of the people who we care about. It really tears us apart to not being able to help out in any given situation. Although the world doesn’t sees it as our problem to deal with, we (for some unknown reason) feel the personal responsibility to do everything in our capacity to help out.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Would have nearly seemed like I was bragging about it. Well, there is a flipside to that. The emotional awareness and high sensitivity puts us up in a situation where we, at times, do more harm to ourselves and others. It takes a toll on us to continuously put our mind in the other person’s shoes for every single conversation that we have with them – often not realizing that we might just be making it way more complicated than it was supposed to be. We dwell in them by playing through all the scenarios right down to the worst possible outcome. This can easily go on to an unhealthy level where you can’t think clearly enough, but still feel the urge to resolve a problem – which in several of the recent cases were due to poor judgement on my part.
While I thought I was being open-hearted to them and thought (to myself) that being completely honest about the circumstances would be the best way forward, it clearly didn’t turn out that way. I presumed that I could balance all the different emotions, live up to all the expectations (others’ as well as my own) and still be able to be true to myself. But as it turns out.. what you do, what you get and more importantly ‘why’ would not necessarily be seen the way you meant it; all you would be left with is the feeling of being misunderstood as you go through life yearning for the people to really get you.
Sometimes all of this just makes me think, shouldn’t I take a few steps back and keep it all to myself? In the past, I have ‘relapsed’ on this thought several times and not sure if it is actually possible but it becomes a mental conflict when this comes in the way of harmony with the people I care about. Maybe I am a sucker for all of this. All that said, I am really sorry to have hurt the people who put their trust and faith in me.
PS: I used to think I had good command over written words but given how things have gone down recently, the following message sums it up perfectly. (Maybe its easier to choose the words when you are writing a message on behalf of someone else as you don’t have to face the response)