Loosing yourself and others

You ever thought you meant more to a person than they actually did about you? To an extent when you are sure they aren’t even thinking about you? And everytime you try to fix/confront the issue – it just gets worse.

It hurts, it breaks you from the inside and all you want to do is get away from absolutely everyone. That’s what I am feeling right now. I thought we knew each other well, understood, cared – much more than acquaintances. Maybe we did, until recently. To be honest, it is not the first time this has happened; that said, it doesn’t get any easier even the second or third time around.

I have been sensing this for under a year now, and had gone through an array of emotions – from feeling left out, trying to decipher, holding on to the past, of course jealousy (yes, I accept that), and ultimately resorting to reclusion (but failed at it several times). While, admittedly, these do seem childish and scream of insecurities, these are reactions but the underlying cause is something I have been giving a thought to.

Once misunderstanding, twice mistake but third time surely a habit. How could you let/force so many people away from you but all under the same circumstamces? I can’t blame them. Deep down I think that I was designed this way – to be able to understand everyone but not have a single person get what I think.

I used to be fine with this, few years back. Somethings changed, and maybe I tried to change as well – and failed. I would just take one thing away from all of this, i.e., I have to find myself, the part of me which I gave it away too easily. Maybe it takes me weeks or month, but that is a journey I have to make.

Expectations and favours?

Me: Tell me more about what you wanted in ABC project, I would work on that. It would help me take my mind off other things that I have going on.
X: I don’t no whether you do all this and expect more out of me.. because we have been just the same
Me: Nope, I do not
X: I don’t want to give any work. I generally don’t like to tell others
Me: Not just to me? I only thought you wanted to work on it that’s why
X: I want to do it.. But why should I get it done by you. It is a lot of work sometimes and I don’t like to keep favours.
Me: Because you think I would expect something more from you? Did I ever call in a favour?
X: It seems so by these conversations. You don’t but you expect, that’s only natural.

How can I ever be the same after this conversation? Neither that I expect the other person to behave the same way as earlier after this. But what are the chances that two people have felt this way – especially after I thought we knew each other well enough. Maybe that is the problem – I thought.

Golden

So I came across few posts from a friend and was overwhelmed by what, I think, that person is or was going through. I don’t want this to come across as an insensitive to a situation which is far more serious, personal – which I don’t have any right to comment on. It is just that few days back I woke up to this feeling of trying to capture these emotions into words, and this just followed along.

So here it goes:

I could see the change, I could feel the pain
By the words that she let out, in silent reign
Oh the scars that only some could see
She locked her heart, threw away the key

Won’t let anyone in, hurt as she has many times been
Has learned to numb away the pain, hesitant to let herself out again
But you pick yourself, dust off, keep on and walk on
With a broken shattered, yet a golden, unwavering heart

I don’t know why it aches, why did it all fall down and break
But you pull it all off, with a smile, and whatever it takes
While the memories keep washing up the lake

And there are moments when it may get too hard
You don’t want the world to see while the pieces fall apart
But you pick yourself, dust it, keep it and walk on
With a broken shattered, yet a golden, unwavering heart

Invisible

Maybe it is easier to be invisible, distance yourself from all the clutter, to make your way through life the way you want, to not have any expectations from people around you; and while you might get spurts of “loneliness”, you want to be in control of what happens to you.

Most of us spend our time in being accepted by people around us, or trying to fulfil the expectations (or setting expectations from people which may, more often than not, ultimately let us down) – and in all of this, we tend to get distracted from what is needed to make yourself happy.

Probably you feel ignored by people you love the most, being replaced in a blink of an eye, or having unfulfilled expectations (that you set because you expected them to reciprocate the same for you); these are some of the hardest moments you face when it happens with people you care the most about (and think that they do too – maybe not the ‘most’ to be honest).

Invisibility comes with advantages – to move past life, under the radar, no one knowing your mistakes but most importantly the power to see the world through others’ eyes as they show you their truest nature. Everyone gives themselves away when they are alone; that is the power – and it comes with its tradeoffs.

Hardwired

Do I really care as much? Maybe the fact that I still wonder about it means there is some part which still does care.. trying to fix things, yet questioning every move for some never ending circle of validation.

People say things, and it is easy to be hurt by it. Yet you try and find the reason, anything to justify their stance by looking at the situation from their eyes, and often boiling it down to a scenario where you could have averted that.

The way I see this is, there is something beautiful about all of it. Yes, you would feel let down by people (a lot of times!), ignored or even invisible. But what truly amazes me is, you don’t do this to please anyone, don’t get bogged down by these emotions (maybe in certain moments, but you recover soon enough) and you want to do this all over again because deep down you’d hope that everyone does the same.

Too idealistic, though once in a while you have to shed this and do something for yourself, selfish without having to scour all the numerous possibilities, let go of these limits and go after the things that you really want.

And I would do all of this, the entire cycle, over and over again.

Past

Does it really matter? That’s a question many would have asked themselves. Maybe you used to, a lot, even too much. How do you answer that? Not just to someone to their face, but more difficultly to yourself..

I remember being asked if we were world’s apart now, that we no longer “know” each other; and also that I denied it then. But I am not really sure now. I guess silence does that you – it does this to you more than words ever could, even more so when you can’t any actions too.

Obviously all the memories still remain, and would never ever wish they away but the toll of living in that past doesn’t help anyone either.

Past is done. Actions define the present and paints the future.

Missing Part

Don’t forget me, he said
With heavy heart, broken voice and slowly instead
The words could barely make sense
And when he stared back at the face, he knew it was the end

Then She took his hand, said she’s sorry
You will find someone, though world around is scary
This is life, you don’t need to worry
You move on, and just remember our story

She said, I will forever and ever be yours to keep
I will always be there, for whenever there is a friend you need

In his heart, he knew it was the end
He said it’s alright, I understand, or pretend
As they last walked to the place where it all started and now comes the end

And he said, I will forever and ever be yours to keep
I will always be there, for whenever there is a friend you need

Then they left with heavy hearts
These lasting words to carry along as they depart
For he had given her a piece of the broken heart,
To live on with a hole inside, a missing part
And now they are miles apart

Far Behind

So today I woke up with this thought in my head, a feeling which I was used very much used to carry around. What made a difference is actually watching someone else go through the same emotions. Before all this, I may have been oblivious to the feeling but now I am not so sure what to make of that – other than thinking that we all need to move beyond our past, take control (easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere eh?)

Here are the thoughts put together in a song:

Stayed awake through endless nights
Worrying about more wrongs than rights
You leave behind this shadow with the break of light
Only for the sunset to bring back the fight

You think you weren’t made for the world
And it wasn’t made for you
You got to walk through this life
The way that you want, for you

Even though the wounds are fresh
Memories on your mind, all the time..
For the world looking at you, all you’d say “I’m fine”
But really all you gotta do
When times are so slow
And as if swimming against the flow

You go to leave them, all the worries
Oh you got to leave them, all the pain
Far, far, far behind

Yet another apology?

Most people I have known (and vice versa) have most consistently associated me to apologies. Generally, there are two ways to look at this – that I make as many mistakes to apologize for and then there is a positive outlook on all of this that I am ready accept when I am wrong.

Now, here is my take on this whole situation; I like to believe that everything can be dealt with – whether it is a emotional, materialistic or even physical – everything can be addressed at a psychological level, and all you need is time and someone to bounce your thoughts off. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it actually is the reality but what I mean is, let’s believe that it could be and that is worth the shot.

Probably this is why I am usually in situations where I am always in the endless (even pointless, if you look at it from others’ perspective) intent on discussing these problems. I don’t recall anyone actually liking these conversations – and to be honest, these are never pleasant and are often around a gloomy topic rather than a positive keynote. And I realize this, and which is the reason why I apologize most to the people that I am really close to. It is not that I like hurting people or their emotions, or that I do not want to learn from my mistakes, but it is that feeling inside me where I want to try to help someone (and sometimes myself too) through a problem.

Something that I am realizing now is that not everyone wants to listen to you (why should they?) going on about an issue (why always the problems?!) which they could possibly do away with (why can’t they ignore some of these problems?). I didn’t learnt this the easy way, but it better that I did instead of putting someone through this mess time and time again. I should really learn to give people their space (emotionally) and learn to draw (and stick!) to the boundaries that are quintessential for any two people to connect (and stay that way). An apology doesn’t cut it after a while; I don’t expect this to explain everything to those who had to face from me, but what I want you to know is that it was never my intention to hurt anyone – and I know that I still did!